This might sound odd, but…
…my personal life was more balanced and harmonious as an operational Navy SEAL than it was when I entered the marketplace.
And that was fairly devastating because a major reason I left the SEAL teams was to find true harmony, a life where I could care for every aspect of who I am: Mind, Body, Spirit, Family, Friends, Finances, and Fun.
And honestly speaking, I didn’t feel my role as a SEAL was the example I wanted to set for my kids. It handled what I thought was passion, but fell short on my financial and spiritual purposes.
What I Was Really After
I wanted to become the kind of man who could master all aspects of life, and show them how to do the same. I didn’t want to be the guy with a lot of money but an unhealthy body, nor did I want to be the fit guy who was also broke.
I was after being the kind of man my children and others could trust to lead. The kind of man who could use his passions to fulfill all of his professional, financial, and personal purposes in what has become known as the most competitive, dynamic and technologically advanced marketplace that this planet has ever seen.
I wanted to teach them how to live a good life and to do that, I needed to show them how to build wealth in ways that not only preserved their personal lives, but actually required them to excel in them.
What I didn’t realize was just how uncommon it was to live a life like this.
The Mindset Was Right. The Results Weren’t.
Now I knew that the kind of money I’d need to produce to live a dignified life, both now and during the 30+ years of old age when I could no longer work, would require me to outperform 99% of the population, so high-level training, coaching, and education were a must.
And as a SEAL, I didn’t know anything else but to train at a high level. Being a top performer was not only part of my job description, it was literally a matter of life and death.
So on the plus side, I had the right mindset. But I quickly realized that mindset alone wasn’t enough.
You see, before I left the Teams I had already begun personally investing $20,000 to $30,000 a year in education and training.
- I went to an elite business school.
- Took online courses.
- Joined business networking groups and attended conferences.
- Read countless books.
By common cultural standards, I was succeeding. I was ascending in responsibilities, status, and paychecks. I was getting better at everything they were teaching, but despite my progress, I still couldn’t strike a harmony between my personal and professional life. Each side kept breaking the other.
The False Choice
By this point, I was starting to suspect that I’d have to do what most ambitious people do and choose between professional success or personal success.
I was up against either making the kind of money that I knew my family required to survive and thrive now and well into the future, or living an inspiring life of purpose and passion that my children and others could model.
So I continued to live caught in the tension between the two options for years, and I was tempted several times to go back to being an operator and maybe do some work for the CIA again, or some other organization doing dangerous things in dangerous places. But I knew that would have been just a subtle form of quitting disguised as me chasing what, at the time, I thought was my passion.
I could already hear myself saying, “I just had to go back to being an operator to be true to myself.” It would have been so easy to do because others would celebrate a choice like that. I mean, isn’t that the very thing they make movies about? Former operators getting pulled back into their past lives.
But movies are not real life. In the movies, everyone gets to “be” whomever they feel like being, because somehow, in the movies, all of the bills get paid no matter what you do.
The Quitter’s Cliff
So I was sitting on the edge of a metaphorical cliff, ready to do what I’ve seen so many others do and jump back into what and who I used to be, when this old memory hit me. I thought back to a moment after I had quit SEAL training the first time I went.
I was in the front yard of my brother’s house when my nephew’s best friend introduced me to his mom as “the guy who was almost a SEAL.” When he said that, it was the first time I came face-to-face with the consequences of being a quitter.
In that moment, I realized that quitting doesn’t end the pain; it makes it a permanent part of your life, and the lives of those you love and lead.
I remembered how that realization sent me back to finish SEAL training, not because I couldn’t bear the burden of regret, but because I refused to place that burden on my kids. I didn’t want to show them that giving up on living out their passion and purpose was acceptable, even if it’s what just about everyone else eventually ends up doing.
So I stepped back from that quitter’s cliff, because I realized that if I quit trying to figure out how to live a life of passion and purpose, I’d be quitting again. And not just quitting on myself, but on becoming the kind of man that my son, daughters, and future generations needed me to be.
The Decision
So I decided right at that moment: I’d either show my children and future generations how to live authentically while also mastering and harmonizing their personal, financial, and professional lives, or I’d show them how to never stop trying. Either way, they would know that I never stopped fighting for them and their future.
So with a seriously renewed dose of hope, I went back to all of the training, coaches, books, and conferences with a new mindset and purpose. I was no longer fighting for my good life; I was fighting for the good lives of generations of Davises to come.
What I Found Instead: The Retention Machine
But I ran into something pretty nasty really quickly.
When I dove back into the world of personal development, which goes by many names (coaching, college degrees, books, seminars), I discovered that the content they were delivering wasn’t actually designed to progress me. It was designed to retain me in their programs. And not by way of continuous and meaningful progression, but by way of confusion and overload.
And, by the way, if you’ve ever been in training and felt like you’re drinking through a fire hose, then you know they got you on their hamster wheel also.
The reason they pressure you to train and learn at a pace beyond your ability to produce measurable progress is so that they can siphon your time, your energy, your creativity, and your currency away from progress and into dependency.
If you have notebooks filled with information that you don’t use to execute specific strategies and tactics in a very specific order, then I’m talking to you!
But I don’t want you to feel bad about this because really, it’s not your fault. There’s just this huge personal development and coaching marketing machine out there that people aren’t aware of. But now that you know, if you keep feeding yourself to it, it will be your fault.
The Gap
Now, this really started to stress me out because I knew that I needed access to training and coaching to perform at the level I was required to if I were to be able to use my passion to harmoniously fulfill the financial, professional, and personal purposes I was created for.
I mean, it would be foolish to think someone could live the kind of life I was after without really good help. So there I was, staring at this huge gap between where I was and where my family needed me to be.
If I didn’t find a way to close that gap, I’d be forced to spend the rest of my life living in unacceptable compromise, because I’d lose my ability to remain relevant, not just in my own life, but in the lives of others.
Worse, I’d lose the respect of my children and my ability to lead them through all phases of their lives. Because let’s face it, nobody is going to follow someone who isn’t living a passionate and meaningful life.
The Quote That Changed Everything
So needless to say, I needed to figure out what I was missing. Something had to change. And the spark for that change came one day when I highlighted a quote in a book by Jim Dethmer called The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, and it goes like this:
“But what if the world/universe/God/Supreme Reality isn’t just benign or agnostic? What if it is actually for us? What if, as Einstein wondered, the world is beyond benign to the point of actually being benevolent? Then what happens is not just a neutral experience, but rather a custom-ordered curriculum for our highest development as people and as members of teams and organizations.”
Jim Dethmer
And there it was. The missing piece.
“…for our highest DEVELOPMENT as people and as members of teams and organizations.”
The Word Was “Development”
It was the word “development,” which means growth or the addition of physical components.
Muscles grow. Cognitive function grows. The myelin fibers in our brain, which enable performance, are new physical components that form and grow in our brain.
Another way to say all of this is transformation. It was this idea of becoming a different sort of self, and a very particular kind of self.
The idea of entering into a discourse that was created by God and customized for me to specifically develop me into a particular type of human. The kind of human who could use the unique gifts and talents I was given to care for all of the purposes I was created to care for.
What Was Really Holding Me Back
This blew me away, not because of the opportunity for growth, but because it was in that moment that I realized what was really holding me back.
It was me.
I wasn’t the type of human that could live such an inspiring and unconventional life.
I simply wasn’t:
- Good enough
- Smart enough
- Strong enough
- Skilled enough
I realized in that moment that the secret to the kind of success I was after wasn’t learning more and more strategies and tactics,
- Or consuming more books
- Or taking more courses
- Or knowing more things
- Or even getting better at things
The Real Secret
The real secret was to change who I was. I needed to step away from who I had become and step back into who I was created to be.
I needed to transform into the kind of person who intuitively designs, builds, deploys, measures, and modifies the right strategies and tactics in the right order, at the right time.
The kinds of action plans that would allow me to fully live out my authentic self. The kind of self that could use the God-given gifts I’d been entrusted with to care for all the purposes I was created to care for.
The kinds of action plans that my kids could one day use to do the same for themselves.
This is strategic transformation. It’s what allowed me not only to develop myself into my highest self, but to become the exact kind of person I needed to be to live the life I was created to live.
Strategic Writing
When we write, we expand our understanding in ways that produce new thinking—thinking that leads to more powerful distinctions, which allow us to better identify and fulfill the purposes for which we were created.
1: What areas of your life require you to grow or transform to align with the purpose you believe you were created for?
2: Consider the tension between professional success and personal fulfillment. In what ways are your current pursuits in conflict with your deeper passions and purposes?
Responses
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1: What areas of your life require you to grow or transform to align with the purpose you believe you were created for?
“Owning my time.” This was a phrase one of the tribe members in my study group helped me identify. For me, it means that I take responsibility for the time I’ve been given and seek to use it toward strategic transformation that impacts me and those I love and lead. Practically, at this time, it means that if something goes on my calendar it is because I’ve committed to do it. Since I can remember I’ve been flexible and highly responsive to changing dynamics in my context. In the most positive moments this might look like adaptability. But more often than not it’s actually “being reactive” rather than intentional and powerful. Intentionality is design; it’s living with purpose. Power (or perhaps I’ll find a different term as I continue to assess this) is the capabilities to carry out the intention/design. I’ve thought through my Ultimate Calendar several times before, but I struggle to align my actual practices with those intentions. This is a deep pattern in my life. I need to break that pattern and re-wire things differently.
Years ago I started by focusing on performance health and have made a lot of changes that have resulted in improved energy, creativity, and health.
I need to focus on “study”, “writing”, and “family” areas to form practices where my intentions connect with increased power.
2: Consider the tension between professional success and personal fulfillment. In what ways are your current pursuits in conflict with your deeper passions and purposes?
I have five teams. I realized this today. I’ve often talked about two teams: my “home” team and my “work” team. I cannot sacrifice either of these teams. However, I also have a “running” team (there are just two of us), a “writing” team (there are four of us), and a “tribe” (our 215 study group).
I think that anytime these teams can overlap it’s a really good thing. It helps me integrate my life and resolve some of the tensions that otherwise exist.
These tensions do exist, though. Today, my current pursuits (primarily an existential threat to my company) is in tension with my desire and need to spend time with my family (wife and children) and be fully present with them. When I am at family dinner, for example, I am often also working a problem at work in my brain. I tend to be even more quiet than I normally would be (as in introvert) when my attention is divided like this. My children and wife feel it. They’ve given me feedback about it.
When I attempt to pursue other areas that I feel are important (study, writing, performance health) these also create conflict with my “home” team and sometimes even with my “work” team. These pursuits push against those areas.
I’ve started running with one of my sons who is very interested in it and that has helped because it’s time I get with him that I otherwise wouldn’t. Still, that time feels like I’m doing the minimum there rather than pursuing it with intentionality.
I think part of the trouble I’m feeling right now is that the areas I believe I need to focus on are more about a sense of self-fulfillment than about impacting those I love and lead. I do believe that if I am at my best I will show up better in every moment of my life. However, there are times I genuinely feel selfish when I’m pursuing transformation. Am I doing it wrong? Is this feeling something that fades as the impact is seen? I don’t know.
1: What areas of your life require you to grow or transform to align with the purpose you believe you were created for?
At this point in my life, I am on a journey toward changing my lifelong career, and, to my own surprise, I am discovering that ALL areas of my life need to grow and/or be transformed so that they can continue to complement and support one another.
I have intentionally decided to change my professional life so that it aligns with my purpose. However, in order to grow in this area and truly fulfill my purpose, I am also focusing on the other areas of my life so that, together, they can move toward fulfilling their purposes.
2: Consider the tension between professional success and personal fulfillment. In what ways are your current pursuits in conflict with your deeper passions and purposes?
At the moment, the areas are TIME and CREATIVITY. In my professional life, I am still learning and discovering new things, so this is currently a very dynamic and active area. It requires a surprisingly large amount of time and creativity.
As a result, there is a conflict between my professional life and the other areas of my life. There is also a conflict between my current career and the career I am in the process of building.
Making effective use of the limited amount of time and creativity available to me is currently my biggest challenge.
1: What areas of your life require you to grow or transform to align with the purpose you believe you were created for?
– I have a pretty good balance right now but, I do think there is another level professionally I might be able to attain.
2: Consider the tension between professional success and personal fulfillment. In what ways are your current pursuits in conflict with your deeper passions and purposes?
– Right now, I have balance, but I have had situations where I basically sacrificed my health and relationships for my professional life.
1: What areas of your life require you to grow or transform to align with the purpose you believe you were created for? This year my theme has been to “lean in…” to my job, in church… looking back I don’t think I’ve quite done the same thing in my marriage or with my kids though… ouch. I gues that’s my first assignment, Lean In to all areas.
2: Consider the tension between professional success and personal fulfillment. In what ways are your current pursuits in conflict with your deeper passions and purposes? I think I answered this above… my leaning in to work and in my leadership assignment at church has not crossed over into leaning into my kids and my wife. When I get home, I say, I’m tired. I go up to my room or into my office and I read, do some work, catch up on reading, or watch some YouTube vids on the big screen. Gotta work on that one.
[_] Tim. I added the original question back to your reply so we can work it.
1: What areas of your life require you to grow or transform to align with the purpose you believe you were created for?
I opened a successful cafe concept which is very much loved, but struggling with rising costs and inflationary impacts on the economy. My intent was to give back to the community with radical generosity and yet I find myself in a spiral of reduced profitability. I need to perform at 1f10% of my potential for the next year to capture opportunities and restore sales and profits. All the attributes necessary will come from my personal transformation. I would like to buy a house to give to a women’s recovery shelter. They have one home now, 15 girls in residential treatment and 150 more girls on a waiting list. My initial temptation was to simply open another location but after very careful review, that only stretches me thinner and reduces my personal time, joy and impact with my family if I have nothing left to offer them. Kids are all grown, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need my time any less than before.
2: Consider the tension between professional success and personal fulfillment. In what ways are your current pursuits in conflict with your deeper passions and purposes?
I find myself saturated with stress and overwhelmed most of the time. I’ve lost clarity, intensity and the basic raw energy I need to be more productive and present myself as the leader of my business that inspires my team to rise to higher standards of excellence. I am struggling with a second bout of Lyme disease and although I’m a fighter, and “punching my way back” to health, I have to be more efficient with the energy I do have as I work to rebuild my daily metabolism and capacity for hard work. This includes physical training. I’ve completed 10 IronMan triathlons and have not trained in two years since my first onset of Lyme. I was signed up to run the Currahee challenge at Camp Toccoa Georgia next weekend. (3 miles up and 3 miles down) and will have to withdrawal because I don’t feel my body is ready even though I’ve been training for two months. (baby steps). I’m going to be more intentional and tactical with my limited time and energy resources which I why I’ve enrolled.
1: You already made the transformation move and I don’t want it to slip past you. The obvious play was a second location. You ran it down, saw that it buys revenue by spending the only thing your family can’t get back, and you said no. Most operators never get there. They just open the second one and wonder why everything at home got quiet.
Here’s where I’d point you next. Radical generosity is a purpose, and purposes have a number. Right now the cafe is being asked to fund your community, your family, and a house for that shelter, and nobody has ever told it what it has to produce to do all three. Until that number exists, generosity comes out of your margin and eventually out of you.
That house is worth building toward. Just make the business carry it instead of you.
2: Pulling out of Currahee was the right call, and I want you to hear that from someone who has watched a lot of men make the other one.
Ten Ironmans might be an indicator that your whole identity is built on pushing through. That’s a real asset and it got you here. But it’s also why this stretch is going to be the hardest transformation you’ve taken on, because the move in front of you isn’t to push harder. It’s to spend what you have with precision.
You said it yourself. Limited time and energy resources. That’s not a weakness to punch your way out of, that’s just the current operating reality, and the men who win in that situation are the ones who accept it early and design around it instead of arguing with it.
Baby steps is the correct call. Keep taking them.
We go this.
1: Good catch, and I’d resist turning it into guilt.
But I’d also question the assignment. “Lean in to all areas” is an effort strategy, and effort isn’t the lever here. Leaning into more places just divides the same finite time and energy across more fronts.
The only thing worth leaning into is using your passion to harmoniously fulfill the financial, professional, and personal purposes you were created for. That’s a design question, not an intensity question. It starts with knowing what all those purposes actually are, and then building practices that serve more than one of them at the same time instead of trading between them. We also hit this with more precision in the “Mastery” Unit.
2: “I’m tired” is honest, and it’s also data worth examining rather than just accepting.
Worth asking what specifically is draining it, and whether all of that is actually producing value. A lot of what exhausts men at work isn’t the work. It’s effort spent proving, reacting, and absorbing things that were never theirs to carry.
Because right now the design has your family receiving whatever survives the day. Not because you chose that, but because nothing upstream was built to protect it. And no amount of resolve at 6pm fixes something that was decided at 9am.
That’s the strategic piece. You don’t get more present at home by trying harder when you walk in. You get there by designing the professional side so it stops spending what your personal side needs.
1: I’d push on the word balance.
Balance implies you’re managing a trade, keeping things level by giving each one a portion. Harmony is different. It’s when the professional side actively produces what the personal side needs, and the personal side fuels the professional. One is a juggling act. The other is a design. We’ll go way deeper into this in the Mastery unit. Look out for “Prioritizing by Power rather than importance.”
Also worth noting that “another level professionally” is the only growth you named. That’s the area you’re already strong in. Sometimes that’s right. Sometimes it’s just where we’re most comfortable looking.
2: That’s the part I’d sit with longer.
You’ve got a proven pattern of sacrificing health and relationships when the professional side gets demanding. So the question isn’t whether things feel balanced right now. It’s what actually changed.
If the circumstances got easier, the pattern is still loaded and waiting for the next stretch of pressure. If you redesigned something structural, then you’ve got a real answer and it’s worth naming so you can protect it.
Great observations here!
1: That’s the part most people miss, and you found it early.
Almost everyone tries to transform one area and expects the others to hold still while they do it. They don’t. They’re connected, so moving one either pulls the others along or gets pulled back by them. Recognizing that all of them have to move together is challenging work, and it’s the only version that holds.
2: You’ve named the real constraint. Let’s make it sharper.
You’re currently funding two careers out of one supply of time and creativity. That’s not a balance problem, it’s a transition problem, and transitions are expensive by nature. The danger isn’t the cost. It’s that transitions without a defined end quietly become permanent, and you spend years paying double.
So the strategic question is what the new career has to produce, and by when, for the old one to be released. Put a number and a date on it and the overlap becomes a project with a finish line instead of a condition you live in.
One more thing on creativity. Of the four resources, it’s the one that recovers slowest and gets damaged most by drain from somewhere else. Protecting it will do more for you than finding extra hours.