Are You Coachable?

A friend of mine looked sad, like she wasn’t having any fun, which was strange because we were playing pickleball, and as far as I know one of the primary purposes of playing pickleball was to have fun.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“One of the guys I was playing with kept stopping the game to coach me.”

“Did you ask him for help?”

“NO!”

“Oh no…I’m sorry to hear that. Sounds like you got yourself a ‘Mansplainer.'”

“What is that?” she asked. 

“Basically when someone feels compelled to explain, teach or coach someone who hasn’t asked them to help or explain.”

“Oh ya! That’s him.”

This situation happens all too often – advice that ends up doing more harm than good. And it highlights a crucial truth about coaching that many miss:

Dynamic Environments Require Good Coaches

Because of the competitive and dynamic nature of the environment we all live in, we’ll all need good coaches if we are to live good, purposeful, and dignified lives. But even the best coaches in the world will do little good if:

ONE: You don’t understand what “coaching” really is.

TWO: They don’t understand what “coaching” really is.

THREE: You haven’t given them permission to coach you.

A coach is a person you have given permission to watch what you are doing, assess its effectiveness in relation to your objectives, and tell you what you can stop, start, modify, manage, or maintain to achieve them.

PERMISSION:

Without explicit and genuine permission, a want to be coach can only be serving their own needs in an attempt to soothe their discomfort, alleviate their fears, or feel useful or in control.

Insecurity Masked as Superiority: The unprompted advisor often feels threatened by others’ competence and overcompensates by asserting dominance through explanation

Need for Significance: They unconsciously believe their value comes from being the authority, leading them to seize opportunities to demonstrate knowledge—even when it’s unwanted

Poor Self-Awareness: Many genuinely believe they’re being helpful, but lack awareness of their condescending tone or the context of the situation

And I don’t say any of that to judge them.

We all want to feel significant and secure. I say that so that you understand that they are going through something on their end that has nothing to do with whether you did something right or wrong.

Years ago I was walking out my dentist office and someone with severe mental disabilities was waving his hands, yelling at me and flipping me off.

Now if someone who has all of their mental faculties intact did that, it would have been extremely upsetting—but it didn’t bother me at all because I understood something was simply wrong with him.

And this is an important point, because when you understand that something similar is going on with those who try to coach you without request or permission, you realize they are impaired.

And that can instantly transform an upsetting experience into an opportunity for grace and compassion.  

Genuine permission transforms this…

…dynamic completely. It converts what would be unwanted advice into useful input and support. It creates a space of trust where correction can be welcomed rather than resented, where both parties can focus on genuine improvement rather than ego protection.

And if you’re the type to offer unrequested input ask yourself:

Is the family member, friend, customer, colleague, employee or employers you’re trying to help at feeling empowered and improved or deflated and depressed?

OBJECTIVES:

You can’t coach someone if you don’t know what objectives they’re after producing. I’ve noticed in casual situations that objectives are hardly obvious.

Though I’m competitive and do like to win, that’s not often my primary objective.

I started playing pickleball and my primary objective is to maintain my fitness, connect with others and spark my cerebellum to increase creativity.

So if someone I’ve not already given permission to coach me pipes up and starts trying to correct my actions, it’s likely they’re actually not just in the way of me fulfilling my objectives, but actually thwarting my ability to do so.

A coach isn’t just giving general feedback; they’re, like a set of braces, aligning your actions to your desired outcomes, not theirs.

Without clear understanding of my intended outcomes, their advice isn’t coaching—it’s just noise that distracts from the real goals at hand.

The Path Forward

Real coaching happens when permission meets purpose. When both coach and student understand the objectives, trust each other’s intentions, and work together toward clearly defined goals. Whether you’re the potential coach or the potential student, start by ensuring these foundations are in place.